the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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