I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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