I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
