I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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