I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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