a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
