Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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