the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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