I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
