During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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