apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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