You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
