I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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