I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
