During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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