I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
