he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
