evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
