That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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