as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
