I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
