God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
