does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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