Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
