whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
