we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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