I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
