I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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