I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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