The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
