I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I want you more than these girls want KFC
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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