I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
