why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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