I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
