In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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