Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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