Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
All the doctor said was why
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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