Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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