DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
