I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just want nice things and good sex
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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