my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
