You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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