Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
