Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
