I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
