please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
