I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She told me I should be a condom model.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
