If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
