just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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