when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
