From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
