And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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